Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
