This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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