benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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