I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
did i just pee glitter
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
