What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
