that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
