Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
