Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
