The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
