she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
