she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
last night I used snow as a chaser
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
