He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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