I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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