oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
