all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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