when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
