Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
