I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
