I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
