Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
