i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
