Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
