remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
