I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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