I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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