so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
