I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
