I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
