You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
