if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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