Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
