i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
