Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
