So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
