last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
