i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
