You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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