everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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