I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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