did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
