Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
