nut hugger
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
why is half of my head shaved?
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