My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Two words: nipple clamps
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