I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
