I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
