she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
