meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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