im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
