Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
