i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
