Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
