Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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