paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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